Yesterday once more
As I just wrote in a comment to Vic, I don’t want to dwell on yesterday/the night before too much. But something struck me as I went down for lunch yesterday.
I found myself feeling incredibly subdued, and only responding quietly as I smiled and said hello back to people, and asked how they were.
And as soon as I caught myself acting like that, it suddenly hit me: I felt exactly the same way, was behaving in exactly the same way, as I did when I was bullied at school, at the age of 13/14.
And the behaviour of this person has been very similar to those bullies.
They’ve picked me not because of anything I’ve done; but probably because of what I represent, and because they needed a target. If I have upset them in anyway, then their behaviour is completely out of proportion in its anger and bile; and it’s just as childish and spiteful as that of the girls who picked me out all those years ago.
I guess that partly explains the huge shock at this happening: I haven’t experienced this for over 20 years.
And it also explains the muscle memory: which makes me subdued (those girls all those years ago succeeded in turning a confident, bubbly girl into a terrified shell of herself); and questioning what on earth I have done to cause this treatment.
But of course, with bullies, there’s precisely nothing one could do differently to avoid it happening. This would have happened whether I was, indeed, the “f****** b****” they seem to think I am; or Julie Andrews.
And there’s one crucial difference between me and the 13-year-old I once was.
Back then, I took on board every single criticism of me, whether justified or not. I wanted nothing more than for everybody to like me; and was terribly, terrifically upset if they didn’t. And as a result I did, indeed, let the bastards grind me down.
But now, I know that sometimes it really is other people that can have the problem - not you. Or, rather: me.
Especially if they don’t like Julie Andrews.
And so, rather like a bad dream, I now want to banish all thoughts of this. I don’t want to let this one event, this one person, be an overriding memory of my trip, nor undo all the goodness of all the other people I have met here.
In short, I want to draw a line underneath it all.
And here it is:
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March 1st, 2008 at 4.39pm
Let all those bullied as a kid for being “she is she” unite together.
Never let those who fear individuality, uniqueness and openness and the courage to be just that, stop us in our tracks.
Together we will undo that hurt from our youth and in doing so be released from painful times.
Well done love, you and I both know how it feels to confront these demons
the biggest of hugs and respect
x
March 2nd, 2008 at 5.16am
You have indeed confronted the demon and come through not only safe but hopefully stronger too and now you know that you can deal with bullies, not only because you have so many friends all over the world who will stand with you and hold your hand through it, but, just as important, because you have the inner strength and self-belief to handle it yourself - and you do, Andrea, I saw it often enough in Marco Polo House.
Hugs from Canada too
March 2nd, 2008 at 5.17am
thank you xx
March 3rd, 2008 at 4.24pm
Good on yer!