As I just wrote in a comment to Vic, I don’t want to dwell on yesterday/the night before too much. But something struck me as I went down for lunch yesterday.

I found myself feeling incredibly subdued, and only responding quietly as I smiled and said hello back to people, and asked how they were.

And as soon as I caught myself acting like that, it suddenly hit me: I felt exactly the same way, was behaving in exactly the same way, as I did when I was bullied at school, at the age of 13/14.

And the behaviour of this person has been very similar to those bullies.

They’ve picked me not because of anything I’ve done; but probably because of what I represent, and because they needed a target. If I have upset them in anyway, then their behaviour is completely out of proportion in its anger and bile; and it’s just as childish and spiteful as that of the girls who picked me out all those years ago.

I guess that partly explains the huge shock at this happening: I haven’t experienced this for over 20 years.

And it also explains the muscle memory: which makes me subdued (those girls all those years ago succeeded in turning a confident, bubbly girl into a terrified shell of herself); and questioning what on earth I have done to cause this treatment.

But of course, with bullies, there’s precisely nothing one could do differently to avoid it happening. This would have happened whether I was, indeed, the “f****** b****” they seem to think I am; or Julie Andrews.

And there’s one crucial difference between me and the 13-year-old I once was.

Back then, I took on board every single criticism of me, whether justified or not. I wanted nothing more than for everybody to like me; and was terribly, terrifically upset if they didn’t. And as a result I did, indeed, let the bastards grind me down.

But now, I know that sometimes it really is other people that can have the problem - not you. Or, rather: me.

Especially if they don’t like Julie Andrews.

And so, rather like a bad dream, I now want to banish all thoughts of this. I don’t want to let this one event, this one person, be an overriding memory of my trip, nor undo all the goodness of all the other people I have met here.

In short, I want to draw a line underneath it all.

And here it is:

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This entry was posted on Saturday, March 1st, 2008 at 1.53pm and is filed under Nothing in particular, The people. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.