I returned to my room after a morning - sorry, afternoon - swim, to find that the Chinese tooth fairy had paid me a visit:

Two satsumas! Two little chocolate rats! And an envelope with cold, hard cash in it!!

Coinage, admittedly. But still.

I’m now down in the restaurant, which I’ve never seen so busy on a lunchtime. It’s full of Chinese Malaysian families having their new year’s day lunch (the Chinese making up the majority of the populace in Penang, though not in the rest of Malaysia). After spending yesterday evening at home with their families - their equivalent of Christmas Eve - it seems that today is rather like their Christmas Day.

Unlike our Christmas, however, Chinese New Year goes on for 15 (count ‘em!) days. On the last day, I learned, girls traditionally throw oranges (or teeny tiny Malaysian oranges, aka satsumas) into the sea, in the hope that they will find love - the idea being that a man will find your orange and contact you. I think you’re supposed to write your email address on it or something.

Not sure why they left me two.

Anyway - a very happy new year to you all. Here’s to the year of the rat! As Al Stewart said.

- Malaysians drive on the same side of the road, and have the same plugs, as us. (These two facts are not related, except in their Britishness).

- It’s cloudy nearly all the time in Penang. When the sun breaks through, you feel the sort of heat you feel when you’re standing with your face too close to an open hob flame. Or on a regular basis if you’re a blacksmith.

- Things are very cheap in Malaysia. (I had a big salad and a fruit platter on room service, and it cost me £5. Imagine! And that included a tip.)

- The Malaysian climate is not conducive to walking.

- As a result: Malaysians are big on cars.

- And scooters.

- Malaysians address women by their first names prefaced by “Miss”. Hence, I am “Miss Andrea”. But then, people’s first names can also be their last names. I haven’t quite worked this one out yet.

- Malaysian cats are teeny tiny.

- So, in general, are Malaysians. They are in direct proportion to their cats.

- In Malaysia, you have to learn how to cut meat with a spoon.

- Unless you’re dealing with the fruit platter in your hotel room, in which case you have to learn how to eat fruit with a knife and fork.

- Malaysian women really like their beauty treatments.

- Malaysian men really like ordering a whole bottle of whiskey from the bar, which they promptly sit down with, share and finish off in one night.

- Laptops demagnetize hotel room keys.

- Michael Buble is very, very popular in Malaysia.

So, I am here. And right now, you can picture me looking exactly like this. And I mean *exactly* like this. I’m jet-lagged, remember:

Things I learned on my journey:

- A 12 hour flight isn’t half as bad as it sounds.

- ‘When Love Breaks Down’ by Prefab Sprout is a really good song (thank you, S).

- Malaysia Airlines: Maverick does not count as a classic film.

- It’s still dark in the morning in Kuala Lumpur at 6.30am.

- Malaysia is hugely green, and full of verdant hills and palm trees. Not unlike a large Majorca.

- However, Malaysia is much hotter than Majorca.

- The twin towers in Kuala Lumpur are very impressive, even from a distance.

- The agent, T, is terribly nice, and looks like my brother, only younger and Malaysian. His wife, C, is terribly nice and looks like my second cousin, only younger and Malaysian. T’s business partner R, is also terribly nice, but doesn’t look like any member of my family.

- The Malaysian Department of Immigration is housed in a building which is enormously grand and modern, in a communist sort of way, and yet which houses crappy market stalls in its lobby. Go figure.

- We drove through a state in Malaysia which sits under a raincloud every day, rather like the geographical equivalent of Charlie Brown.

- Smoking is perfectly acceptable in public areas in Malaysia. How frightfully 20th century!

- The hotel is unbelievably swanky; and I have a gorgeous room with a king size bed and a sea view.

- A flute and tabla duo playing ‘Smoke On The Water’ is surprisingly good.

- Squid tastes better than I thought it would.

- I have been up for 30+ hours, save for snoozing on the back seat of a car/747.

- I am a bit delirious.

- The ‘Smoke On The Water’ thing really happened.

Without wanting to get too sappy: it’s hit me for the first time this week just how privileged I am to be going on this trip.

I found a Group on Facebook called ‘Penang’ - which has 1,628 (soon to be 1,629) members - and as I clicked my way through its 112 (count ‘em!) uploaded photographs, I was quite overwhelmed by the thought of going there. In a very, very good way.

I mean, just take a look:

I am going to spend time in this clearly fascinating and fantastic place. I am being paid to do so. I am going to live, and be treated, very well. And this has all come at the most perfect time possible for me.

In short: I am very, very lucky indeed.

<Dabs eye with hankie>

Right, now back to business…

<Insert postage stamp here>

So, I’m off to Penang at the end of the month. I’ve never been to Asia, let alone the subsection Malaysia, before. The furthest east I’ve ever been is Prague.

As a young girl, I had a penfriend in Penang. She used to send me postcards of this exotic, colourful island, and some really great stickers. I used to send her postcards of Wolverhampton town centre, and some slightly rubbish stickers. Unfortunately, though, I can’t remember her name, so I won’t be able to look her up. Which is a real shame, because British stickers have improved hugely since then.

I’ve travelled in Europe and North America, but never to anywhere remotely exotic before (although Las Vegas comes close). As the agent who booked me on this gig - who will henceforth be known as ”T” - told me: you don’t work in Asia for the money, you do it for the experience.

Hopefully he meant that in a good way.