What do you do when you’re feeling sad, but everyone you know is asleep?

I can’t say it’s a problem I’ve faced before.

And I guess the answer is: write a blog post.

I was thinking of putting up a sort of back-up post - every blogger should have one - which is a little list I’ve been compiling of things I’ve learned in the first week. Or telling you all about the funny karaoke bar I ended up in last night. Or posting photos that I’ve taken.

But it feels unnatural and insincere to pretend that everything’s OK today. Because it isn’t. I’m feeling very blue, and sitting here crying.

I’ve been up for a few hours now - and I decided that I’d try to make myself feel better by going down to the food hawkers’ stalls next door to get some lunch and take some photos, and then go up for a swim… But while I was out, I bumped into one of the friendly guys who were at the gig the other night; and he asked me to join him and his friend for a coffee. But I made my excuses, and left. I felt bad, but I just couldn’t face making small talk and being jolly with people I don’t really know.

That’s the strange sort of loneliness that’s hit me recently. I love meeting new people - I like people - and those who know me would certainly describe me as gregarious. And I’ve got enough business cards already to contact people if I want to not be alone - there are people around, if I want to reach out to them.

But every single person in my life here is a new person - with all that goes along with that. Many of them - all of them - are very nice, and maybe some could become good friends, even friends for life. But I’m at the beginning stages of friendship or acquaintance with all of them.

And on top of that, a part of me is a very solitary creature. I’m happy in my own company, and very independent. And I guess that’s just as well, because I probably wouldn’t/couldn’t have embarked upon this adventure if I wasn’t.

So I guess what I’m saying is that the result of all these things is a feeling of solitude. And right now, in this moment, I am seeking that. Yet of course, desperately not wanting it. Because I don’t want new people around right now. I want old people. (Well, not literally old people. But you know what I mean.)

But there’s nothing I can do about that… Save digging down into my inner resources again, and doing whatever it takes to lift my mood. Whether that’s writing this, going to the gym, going to sleep, treating myself to room service - or even having a facial so that at least I won’t look so puffy-eyed later tonight. And then, yes, there’s always singing. I’m never really sad when I sing.

I also have to trust that this feeling will pass.

As for the reason I’m sad in the first place… well, remember The Person I Wasn’t Supposed To Call? Last night I called him. Or rather: Skyped him. And it was so wonderful to see him again… But it just reminded me of how much I love and miss him. (And it was missing him, and wanting to be sharing the evening’s experience with him, that prompted the call, of course). And now I’m overwhelmed by fears that we will never be back in each other’s lives as I hope we can be.

And that, in brief, is how I’m feeling today.

(I promise I’ll respond to your comments when I’m feeling perkier.)

I’m sitting here on the terrace of the Eastern & Oriental Hotel in Penang, their trademark drink the E&O Sling in hand, and this is the view:

It’s my night off tonight (hence the E&O Sling) and I’ve come into Georgetown to explore a little, and take some photos. My first stop being the very grand, very colonial E&O Hotel - built in 1884 by the Sarkie brothers, who went on to found the Raffles hotel in Singapore. Apparently Rudyard Kipling, Noel Coward and Somerset Maugham all stayed here; and I doubt it’s changed very much since those times. A cursory glance at the guests who have just dived into the pool seems to show as much: white hair and moustaches are the order of the day (and as for the men… boom boom!). A group of Brits has also just arrived. Looks like we’re still trying to run the joint.

But to last night’s gig - because it really was an utter delight.

The first surprise of the evening came when I went downstairs to the lobby, only to be faced with this:

Caramba!

Unfortunately - or fortunately - the photo doesn’t give you a sense of scale (and I refused to hand over my camera to someone to take a photo of me alongside it) - but this poster is, believe me, taller than me (B: you’ll be pleased to know that your photo looks great blown up this big). I love the way it commands people to LISTEN to me - don’t just HEAR me, goddamit! - and the way I’m “internationally acclaimed”. Hopefully after being in Malaysia, this will be a truer (ac)claim.

The second delight of the evening was meeting the owner of the hotel. Yes, *gulp*, the owner. I had completely forgotten that he was coming to see us - he apparently very rarely makes any trips down here, as he’s based in Singapore/London/New York (as multi-millionaire building magnates often are) - but sure enough, he turned up and introduced himself, and we had really nice chats in the breaks. He took my details, and told me that if I ever wanted to go to Singapore or Bali(!) while I was here, that he would “arrange things” (in the way that only multi-millionaire building magnates can). So yes, true to Lost In Translation form, I have propped up a bar with a rich, older man:

I wasn’t smoking, though.

The third delight was the band, and how it feels like we’re coming together. We’d tried out a few new tunes in the soundcheck/warm-up - I want to use that time every night to do one or two new songs with them - and last night, everything went fine. In a way, they sounded even loungeier and cheesier than ever before in their instrumental numbers; but hey, as long as it’s not like that when I sing with them, that’s absolutely fine by me. What was also hugely lovely to hear was the drummer, L, with a big beam on his face, telling me how much he loves playing the jazz numbers we’re doing, and hearing him tell the hotel owner how much he was enjoying working with me. Bless.

But the final, and truly most wonderful, delight was the audience.

When I suggested in yesterday’s post that I’d felt like a wedding singer - possibly, yes, The Wedding Singer - I didn’t mean that in a bad way. It’s just that what happened last night in the bar was a phenomenon which normally happens at weddings. People danced. And oh, how they danced.

A large group of Penangites in their 20s upwards - who had already requested a couple of songs, which we’d performed for them - got up and danced their hearts out, in a completely unabashed way. I told them that British people only do this at weddings, and I couldn’t stop beaming as I watched them. They were applauding us and blowing me kisses and shouting out “We’re your fan club!” - and when I stepped off stage at the end, was accosted by one of them saying: “Please come and join us for a drink!”. Next thing I know, a glass of whiskey has been shoved in my hand, and people are shouting “Cheers to Andrea!” and “Welcome to Penang!”. I’d heard about the legendary friendliness of the Malaysians, but this was really something. And much as I love my countrymen, I could never imagine a group of Brits being so immediately warm. By the end of the night, we’d arranged for them to take me on a trip up Penang Hill (no, that’s not a euphemism) next Sunday. So sweet.

And that, folks, was my second night.

Mind you, it probably helped that it was a Saturday.

PS. I’ve just finished writing, and the view now looks like this (I spy with my little eye something beginning with ‘CS’):

So, it’s been quite a day today. Mainly because, for the first time since getting here, I hit a challenge.

I went to bed at 4am last night, and woke up at 1pm. (Yes, the Lost In Translation jetlag/insomnia is still at work, but no, that wasn’t the challenge.) I woke up to an alarm - because I had my first rehearsal with the band at 3pm.

They are really nice guys: L on drums, D on piano and Y on bass. They’re all in their 50s, and all very sweet. Y doesn’t speak much English; D is quiet in his own way; and I thought L might be a bit too pushy, but in fact he turns out to be the best musician of the lot, and so I’m happy for him to be pushy.

We ran through standards to do on the gig, playing for three hours in total and putting in another rehearsal for tomorrow. But I left feeling rather low, because music-wise I fear this gig might not be very fulfilling.

I knew that this would probably be the case. I have been spoiled rotten by the standard of players in London, and take it for granted that people will a) know tunes, and b) play them wonderfully; and knew that of course it wouldn’t be quite the same in Penang. But still, it’s taken a little adjustment; and after the rehearsal today I just felt very deflated.

But two things hit me as a result.

Firstly, that there was someone I wanted to call immediately after this rehearsal; who I know would ‘get’ exactly how I was feeling. And yet I couldn’t call him. And that made me sad. So I had to get through it, and over it, alone. But you know what? I managed to. I wish I could have called him - and still do - but ultimately, it was OK. I could manage alone perfectly well; and as I came out of it, realised that this down was just a part of life’s normal ebb and flow, and would indeed pass.

And secondly I realised that - just as I had told myself before this trip - I need to get what I can out of this gig, if music-wise it’s less than completely satisfying. As I’ve already told myself, this means things like being a really good performer, in terms of putting on a good ’show’; and using this opportunity to learn lots of new tunes. I’m going to be singing six nights a week, and so I need to keep that fresh and have a happy time doing it, and making it a great night for people to come down to. And both of those goals will help me to do that.

I spoke to T after the rehearsal, and voiced my concerns. He was great, and very understanding (it probably helps that he is a musician, too). I hope I can get there with the band… That I can assert myself about how I want things to be; that we will grow and come together as a unit and make the best music we can possibly make, both for ourselves and the audience.

And in the meantime, I’ll hold onto my experience this evening, which took place just hours after the above rehearsal. Namely, going to the jazz lounge to photograph another band and chatting to them and their friends; and generally having a really great night, enjoying some good live music and meeting some very nice people.

In the words of Billy Joel… well, look at the title*.

*NB. Those aren’t Billy Joel’s words. The title is.